It is ridiculous to me that I've lost almost 20 pounds (18 pounds) since I started this whole weight-loss stuff. Ridiculous in a good way, of course, but still ridiculous. I think I need to start believing more in myself. That will be the key for long-term success. I've been seeing the therapist. Granted, it's only been 2 weeks, but the point is that I feel a whole lot better. I think the meds are helping, as much as I detest being on them. At the same time, I think they help with the weight loss. Instead of turning to food to make me feel better, I do other things. Plus, I'm never hungry, so I don't have this lingering urge to just eat crap when I get home from work, or the gym, or wherever. I actually have to remind myself to eat, and sometimes I forget. But, later on in the day I start feeling lightheaded and weak, so I start eating then. I dunno, but it's a good thing for me! :)
I'm moving in 3 days. Ew! I don't want to. I just keep telling myself that this will be better in the long run for me. I'll save a lot of money, and I can save for the mission. It will all work out for the better! Awesome!
More later.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Well, this sucks!
Things could be worse, yes, but at the moment I am realizing the full ramifications of my actions.
I'm moving in a week and a half. I haven't even started packing. That's lame. My friend's coming over in the morning to help, but I don't even know where to start. I am so not ready. I don't really want to live with 4 other girls, but the long run will be better for me so I can save for my mission. (Assuming that I'm not defective and they reject me.)
I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm 15 down! That's amazing, but not enough. Why do I feel like that's the going trend for me? I'm never enough. Not skinny enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just plain not good enough. I want to believe that's not really the case, but it's hard not to compare myself with others. Really hard.
I don't even want to be super skinny. I just want to be mission-eligible at this point. I want this for the right reasons, and in the case of pregnant lady pee, I don't think that's such a good idea. I will do just about anything EXCEPT inject myself with hCG to lose weight.
Withdrawing from school has some lasting effects, but it's better also. I went for a follow up appointment with my MD and then also saw the psychiatrist this week. The MD advised me to get healthy and more stable before gradually adding more things to the stress of my life. I think she's right. I'm not doing summer school. I could, theoretically, use my savings to pay for at least a couple of classes, but I think I'm going to opt not to. There's no way I can get my associate's before December (the mission eligibility date) so I should not try to push myself too hard. I admire those people who can take 17 credit hours and work 2 jobs and still maintain 4.0 GPAs. I am not one of them. I had 15 credit hours and one 36 hour per week job and I couldn't do it. So, at least I know my limits. I keep telling myself that this will all work out. It will, I just don't see how. I need to at least do fall next year, or my student loans will become due. Not good.
Well, I need to pack, so I really should go. I'm lame, I know. Later.
I'm moving in a week and a half. I haven't even started packing. That's lame. My friend's coming over in the morning to help, but I don't even know where to start. I am so not ready. I don't really want to live with 4 other girls, but the long run will be better for me so I can save for my mission. (Assuming that I'm not defective and they reject me.)
I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm 15 down! That's amazing, but not enough. Why do I feel like that's the going trend for me? I'm never enough. Not skinny enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just plain not good enough. I want to believe that's not really the case, but it's hard not to compare myself with others. Really hard.
I don't even want to be super skinny. I just want to be mission-eligible at this point. I want this for the right reasons, and in the case of pregnant lady pee, I don't think that's such a good idea. I will do just about anything EXCEPT inject myself with hCG to lose weight.
Withdrawing from school has some lasting effects, but it's better also. I went for a follow up appointment with my MD and then also saw the psychiatrist this week. The MD advised me to get healthy and more stable before gradually adding more things to the stress of my life. I think she's right. I'm not doing summer school. I could, theoretically, use my savings to pay for at least a couple of classes, but I think I'm going to opt not to. There's no way I can get my associate's before December (the mission eligibility date) so I should not try to push myself too hard. I admire those people who can take 17 credit hours and work 2 jobs and still maintain 4.0 GPAs. I am not one of them. I had 15 credit hours and one 36 hour per week job and I couldn't do it. So, at least I know my limits. I keep telling myself that this will all work out. It will, I just don't see how. I need to at least do fall next year, or my student loans will become due. Not good.
Well, I need to pack, so I really should go. I'm lame, I know. Later.
Monday, April 13, 2009
256.8!
So...sorry it's taken me so stinking long to update this bad boy but things have been crazy (needless to say) so I haven't had a whole ton of time. Last week went well...I officially withdrew from Winter Semester 2009. GREAT! It sucks on the one hand, but on the other, it's great for me! I had a viable medical reason for the crappy grades I had, and it's the best decision I could make under the circumstances. I ended up going to the doctor Wednesday and they did a depression pre-screening, and then I started bawling after a few simple questions. I think that was the third time that day alone. Let me just say that I'm a cry baby, but this has been a little bit extreme. The doctor immediately referred me to a psychiatrist (side note: psychologists can to therapy and know a lot about how to handle people. Psychiatrists are MD's that continue on to specialize in psychiatric disorders. They're able to prescribe medication whereas psychologists can't.) and she put me on a drug called celexa. It's an anti-depressant. Apparently my case was severe enough that I required medication for it. That being said, it changed everything. The first couple of days I felt extremely nauseated and had a throbbing headache and couldn't concentrate. Then, it got better from there. On the plus side, the celexa keeps me from binge eating, especially since it's often prescribed for bulimics as well. Thus, I am losing weight. Instead of dealing with my emotions through food (my favorite method) I'm a lot happier and thus don't need to cope that way. I think the shrink will help also. I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor on Wednesday and the shrink appointment is tomorrow.
I've found out a miracle diet/drug/method thingy. Apparently it's called hCG. It's a hormone they extract from pregnant lady pee. It causes you to lost belly fat. It's pretty much a 500 calorie diet, and then an injection of this stuff every day for either 26 or 41 days (depending on how much you need to lose.) The 41 day one (my preference) would cost about $500. If it actually works, I'd totally do it, even if it means sticking myself in the arm every day. The point is that you lose about a pound a day. THAT'S AWESOME!!! That would mean I'd be able to go on a mission after all this year. At least one thing would work out the way I'd originally planned.
I'm moving again! LAME!! I'm going to be living in a house with 4 other girls, and sharing a room. I think it'll be OK, though. It's the bigger picture I keep focusing on....
Anyway, more later.
I've found out a miracle diet/drug/method thingy. Apparently it's called hCG. It's a hormone they extract from pregnant lady pee. It causes you to lost belly fat. It's pretty much a 500 calorie diet, and then an injection of this stuff every day for either 26 or 41 days (depending on how much you need to lose.) The 41 day one (my preference) would cost about $500. If it actually works, I'd totally do it, even if it means sticking myself in the arm every day. The point is that you lose about a pound a day. THAT'S AWESOME!!! That would mean I'd be able to go on a mission after all this year. At least one thing would work out the way I'd originally planned.
I'm moving again! LAME!! I'm going to be living in a house with 4 other girls, and sharing a room. I think it'll be OK, though. It's the bigger picture I keep focusing on....
Anyway, more later.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
oh yeah...
I can't wait to tell my parents that I'm failing everything and that I can't handle my life, especially since every time I talk with them, I make it sound like everything's hunky-dory! What the heck else am I supposed to do? Tell them the truth and let them make me move home? I don't really like that option. Tell them that, once again, I'm failing school? Great! Can't wait.
The awesomeness that is Youtube...
So there I was, looking at Youtube. How I got there in the first place is beyond me because I don't EVER do that. There on Youtube, somehow I ended up at a video of this woman who lost 112 pounds and documented it over a series of months. In the end, she looked GORGEOUS! I was sitting here thinking about how that's possible. Upon further investigation, I realized that she has weight loss surgery. This is not an option I would choose for myself. I am still fully functioning...minus running for more than 2 minutes at a time, but I'm getting there. I want to believe that I'm not to a point where that's the only thing I can do. I don't want to permanently alter any part of my body, including my stomach. I've heard stories where things don't work out the way they're supposed to, and people can die from it. People can die from complications arising from being obese ( a word I DETEST, by the way) but I still think there's other options and other reasons behind my fatness. (For some odd reason I have no problem with the word "fat" but "obese" is a swear word to me.) So, then , upon further, further invesitgation, I found videos of pictures of people who lost weight WITHOUT weight loss surgery. I also found some videos about the 400 pound 7 year old, which was the most devastating thing I have every seen in my life. She eventually lost like 280 pounds or something...now she's 10. That's beside the point...How did she do it? Well, she had a medical intervention and they put her in the hospital. Then the pediatric obesity clinic fixed it all. They put her on a strict diet, where she can only eat certain foods, etc. etc. Why can't I do that. Like I said, the Biggest Loser, or something. I have a trainer, but that's not really cutting it at this point. Abbi, my amazing trainer, had to quit. Gold's wasn't very nice to her aparantly. Well...at this point there's so much going on, that it's going to be another long post, sorry.
At this point in my life, I have come to the realization that there is a very real PHYSICAL ailment that I suffer from. It's called depression. It is a chemical imbalance in by brain that keeps me from things I really care about, and causes all kinds of weird things to happen (think being able to sleep for 12 hours without it even phasing me...) Things that should be important, like school, become impossible. Think of it this way: There's a reason I haven't been in class, and why I haven't been able to be successful in school, despite the fact that it's VERY important to me to become a music therapist. I know that things in life that are really worth it are worth fighting for. This is different. I can't be constantly fighting MYSELF because I'll never get anywhere.
I believe that a very LARGE majority of my weight loss issues are DIRECTLY linked to depression. I feel like crap about 68% of the time in my life. Because I feel like poo, I turn to something that can fill the void: food. It's always there, any hour of the day, every day, constantly. That's how I deal with it. Once I have the depression under control, I think that the weight loss will come as part of it.
Here's how this came about as a reality: I broke down in my academic advisor's office. Sister Bell is amazing. I told her everything that's going on: the mission, the money, school, life, church. Literally, I told her everything. I told her I felt like I was failing everything. (This isn't quite true, but it kind of feels like it.) I was sobbing, trying to get a grip on reality, but everything felt like it was unreachable, that it wasn't worth it, and that there was nothing I could do anymore. I told her I felt like there was a reason I wasn't in class, like there was something else going on. Now, those of you who know me well know that I like to make excuses. There was a point in my academic career at the U that I tried this stunt before. "I'm depressed and my grades aren't where I want them and I missed the Withdrawal date what are my options?" Thing. It didn't work. I gave up on that whole notion because of the persuasion of some close friends and some family that I just didn't want to deal with the consequences of my laziness and wanted a quick and easy way out. Well, was this what was going on now? I don't know. I don't want to look back on this and go, "Oh, well, LDSBC was just the same as the U. This whole depression thing has been going on a long time and I should've just dealt with it sooner..." The moment of awakening has arrived. (Both figuratively, and literally...) Back to Sister Bell. She agreed that something else was going on and that she believed it was depression as well. She told me immediately that I needed to see my Bishop (who may be able to refer me to LDS Social Services who can help me with the whole depression thing) and a medical doctor, who can write me a letter saying that it is in my best interest to withdraw from school because it would be more detrimental to me to stay there. Here's the problem. What about the work I DID do this semester? It all goes to pot. But, here's what Sister Bell told me to do: Go to class, go to the doctor, and she gave me a list of things which were important:
#1: Elizabeth
#2: School
#3: Money
#4: Work
#5: Moving
#6: Everything else...
You get the idea? The first thing I need to do is get healthy. I need to figure out what the HECK is going on with my brain, and I need help. I need the kind of help that you can't give me because you're not a doctor. I need you to believe me. I can't tell you how many well-intentioned friends urged, "Happiness really is a choice" or "You can pull through this, things can always get worse..." But, I am here to fill you in. Happiness is not always a choice. Sometimes there's something wrong with your brain and you choose to be happy, and it lasts a little while, but then the overwhelming sense of doom, of failure, of disappointment, of worthlessness, and just plain darkess consumes you. It always comes back. It never stays away. No matter how hard I pray, nor how many scriptures I read, nor how many friends I have who care about me, it flat out is not enough. This has been going on a very long time. I think something like years at this point. There are times that are good, but the majority of my days at this point are spent suffering in silence. I'm not silent anymore.
I had someone ask me what it was that I wanted most. I told him that all I really wanted was to be happy. Literally, that's what life's all about. I know that I care about others, I know that I try, and try, and try, but don't get anywhere. I can do this, but I need help first. I have felt very strongly that I need to study my Heavenly Father's plan of Happiness. For some reason that is going to be important somehow. I don't know a lot about it, but I'm learning more and more. Hopefully, eventually, I'll get to a point where I've had help, and I can start succeeding.
I don't know what's going to happen with this semester. I don't know what the doctor's going to say tomorrow when I go in. I don't know what my Bishop will say tomorrow night. I guess tomorow (er...today) is pivotal. And trust me when I say I am NOT in the mood for any April Fool's Jokes. Spare me, please.
More tomorrow when I figure my life out. We'll see!
At this point in my life, I have come to the realization that there is a very real PHYSICAL ailment that I suffer from. It's called depression. It is a chemical imbalance in by brain that keeps me from things I really care about, and causes all kinds of weird things to happen (think being able to sleep for 12 hours without it even phasing me...) Things that should be important, like school, become impossible. Think of it this way: There's a reason I haven't been in class, and why I haven't been able to be successful in school, despite the fact that it's VERY important to me to become a music therapist. I know that things in life that are really worth it are worth fighting for. This is different. I can't be constantly fighting MYSELF because I'll never get anywhere.
I believe that a very LARGE majority of my weight loss issues are DIRECTLY linked to depression. I feel like crap about 68% of the time in my life. Because I feel like poo, I turn to something that can fill the void: food. It's always there, any hour of the day, every day, constantly. That's how I deal with it. Once I have the depression under control, I think that the weight loss will come as part of it.
Here's how this came about as a reality: I broke down in my academic advisor's office. Sister Bell is amazing. I told her everything that's going on: the mission, the money, school, life, church. Literally, I told her everything. I told her I felt like I was failing everything. (This isn't quite true, but it kind of feels like it.) I was sobbing, trying to get a grip on reality, but everything felt like it was unreachable, that it wasn't worth it, and that there was nothing I could do anymore. I told her I felt like there was a reason I wasn't in class, like there was something else going on. Now, those of you who know me well know that I like to make excuses. There was a point in my academic career at the U that I tried this stunt before. "I'm depressed and my grades aren't where I want them and I missed the Withdrawal date what are my options?" Thing. It didn't work. I gave up on that whole notion because of the persuasion of some close friends and some family that I just didn't want to deal with the consequences of my laziness and wanted a quick and easy way out. Well, was this what was going on now? I don't know. I don't want to look back on this and go, "Oh, well, LDSBC was just the same as the U. This whole depression thing has been going on a long time and I should've just dealt with it sooner..." The moment of awakening has arrived. (Both figuratively, and literally...) Back to Sister Bell. She agreed that something else was going on and that she believed it was depression as well. She told me immediately that I needed to see my Bishop (who may be able to refer me to LDS Social Services who can help me with the whole depression thing) and a medical doctor, who can write me a letter saying that it is in my best interest to withdraw from school because it would be more detrimental to me to stay there. Here's the problem. What about the work I DID do this semester? It all goes to pot. But, here's what Sister Bell told me to do: Go to class, go to the doctor, and she gave me a list of things which were important:
#1: Elizabeth
#2: School
#3: Money
#4: Work
#5: Moving
#6: Everything else...
You get the idea? The first thing I need to do is get healthy. I need to figure out what the HECK is going on with my brain, and I need help. I need the kind of help that you can't give me because you're not a doctor. I need you to believe me. I can't tell you how many well-intentioned friends urged, "Happiness really is a choice" or "You can pull through this, things can always get worse..." But, I am here to fill you in. Happiness is not always a choice. Sometimes there's something wrong with your brain and you choose to be happy, and it lasts a little while, but then the overwhelming sense of doom, of failure, of disappointment, of worthlessness, and just plain darkess consumes you. It always comes back. It never stays away. No matter how hard I pray, nor how many scriptures I read, nor how many friends I have who care about me, it flat out is not enough. This has been going on a very long time. I think something like years at this point. There are times that are good, but the majority of my days at this point are spent suffering in silence. I'm not silent anymore.
I had someone ask me what it was that I wanted most. I told him that all I really wanted was to be happy. Literally, that's what life's all about. I know that I care about others, I know that I try, and try, and try, but don't get anywhere. I can do this, but I need help first. I have felt very strongly that I need to study my Heavenly Father's plan of Happiness. For some reason that is going to be important somehow. I don't know a lot about it, but I'm learning more and more. Hopefully, eventually, I'll get to a point where I've had help, and I can start succeeding.
I don't know what's going to happen with this semester. I don't know what the doctor's going to say tomorrow when I go in. I don't know what my Bishop will say tomorrow night. I guess tomorow (er...today) is pivotal. And trust me when I say I am NOT in the mood for any April Fool's Jokes. Spare me, please.
More tomorrow when I figure my life out. We'll see!
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