something I just realized

I was reading over my blogs from last year. this time LAST YEAR I was trying to lose weight. If I had just stuck with it at the time, I would not be trying to lose 20 pounds in the next month so I can go on a mission. Why am I so STUPID?

It's really late, and I'm really tired but...

There's been a lot of stuff happening the past few months. WAAAAAAy too much to fit in one very long blog, but it basically consists of mission papers, massage school, my job, moving, my roommate, money, and mission papers. (it's listed twice because it's the main one) oh yeah, and losing weight. Still. yeah....

We'll start at the bottom and work our way to the top, shall we?

losing weight: sucks. what else is there to know. I'm back up to 258. Yesterday I was 255. How does this happen? I eat good foods. I even at FRUIT at Chuck-o-rama. Who does that? Someone trying to lose weight for a mission, that's who. I try to go to the gym in the mornings around 6:30, but that hasn't happened the ast week at least because I'm so freaking tired all the time. I could seriously sleep an entire weekened and still be tired. Doesn't help anything. I eat goo dfood and exercise. that's about it. And, I pray a lot. What else is there?

money: I have none. the end.

roommate: Amazing.

I'll have to start the next one here...I'm so dang tired it's ridiculous.

Boys still suck and I'm moving again.

It's a record. I've only lived in the place I live now for the past 3 months. Now I'm moving again. Lame. Plus, add a massage therapy student clinic ever Saturday from now until I graduate and you got a whole lotta not having a life. yay. So, I'll be gradually moving between now and the 1st of August. It will be better...I promise! Ok, I hope it will be because I don't think I can really deal with any more crap in my life.

My bills have started going to collections, and I get calls now from people wanting me to pay them. I don't have it. yay.

That's all I've got time for. I'm at work and really shouldn't be doing this right now anyway.

Later...hopefully.

oy

boys suck. the end.

252.6!!!!

It is ridiculous to me that I've lost almost 20 pounds (18 pounds) since I started this whole weight-loss stuff. Ridiculous in a good way, of course, but still ridiculous. I think I need to start believing more in myself. That will be the key for long-term success. I've been seeing the therapist. Granted, it's only been 2 weeks, but the point is that I feel a whole lot better. I think the meds are helping, as much as I detest being on them. At the same time, I think they help with the weight loss. Instead of turning to food to make me feel better, I do other things. Plus, I'm never hungry, so I don't have this lingering urge to just eat crap when I get home from work, or the gym, or wherever. I actually have to remind myself to eat, and sometimes I forget. But, later on in the day I start feeling lightheaded and weak, so I start eating then. I dunno, but it's a good thing for me! :)

I'm moving in 3 days. Ew! I don't want to. I just keep telling myself that this will be better in the long run for me. I'll save a lot of money, and I can save for the mission. It will all work out for the better! Awesome!

More later.

Well, this sucks!

Things could be worse, yes, but at the moment I am realizing the full ramifications of my actions.

I'm moving in a week and a half. I haven't even started packing. That's lame. My friend's coming over in the morning to help, but I don't even know where to start. I am so not ready. I don't really want to live with 4 other girls, but the long run will be better for me so I can save for my mission. (Assuming that I'm not defective and they reject me.)

I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm 15 down! That's amazing, but not enough. Why do I feel like that's the going trend for me? I'm never enough. Not skinny enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just plain not good enough. I want to believe that's not really the case, but it's hard not to compare myself with others. Really hard.

I don't even want to be super skinny. I just want to be mission-eligible at this point. I want this for the right reasons, and in the case of pregnant lady pee, I don't think that's such a good idea. I will do just about anything EXCEPT inject myself with hCG to lose weight.

Withdrawing from school has some lasting effects, but it's better also. I went for a follow up appointment with my MD and then also saw the psychiatrist this week. The MD advised me to get healthy and more stable before gradually adding more things to the stress of my life. I think she's right. I'm not doing summer school. I could, theoretically, use my savings to pay for at least a couple of classes, but I think I'm going to opt not to. There's no way I can get my associate's before December (the mission eligibility date) so I should not try to push myself too hard. I admire those people who can take 17 credit hours and work 2 jobs and still maintain 4.0 GPAs. I am not one of them. I had 15 credit hours and one 36 hour per week job and I couldn't do it. So, at least I know my limits. I keep telling myself that this will all work out. It will, I just don't see how. I need to at least do fall next year, or my student loans will become due. Not good.

Well, I need to pack, so I really should go. I'm lame, I know. Later.

256.8!

So...sorry it's taken me so stinking long to update this bad boy but things have been crazy (needless to say) so I haven't had a whole ton of time. Last week went well...I officially withdrew from Winter Semester 2009. GREAT! It sucks on the one hand, but on the other, it's great for me! I had a viable medical reason for the crappy grades I had, and it's the best decision I could make under the circumstances. I ended up going to the doctor Wednesday and they did a depression pre-screening, and then I started bawling after a few simple questions. I think that was the third time that day alone. Let me just say that I'm a cry baby, but this has been a little bit extreme. The doctor immediately referred me to a psychiatrist (side note: psychologists can to therapy and know a lot about how to handle people. Psychiatrists are MD's that continue on to specialize in psychiatric disorders. They're able to prescribe medication whereas psychologists can't.) and she put me on a drug called celexa. It's an anti-depressant. Apparently my case was severe enough that I required medication for it. That being said, it changed everything. The first couple of days I felt extremely nauseated and had a throbbing headache and couldn't concentrate. Then, it got better from there. On the plus side, the celexa keeps me from binge eating, especially since it's often prescribed for bulimics as well. Thus, I am losing weight. Instead of dealing with my emotions through food (my favorite method) I'm a lot happier and thus don't need to cope that way. I think the shrink will help also. I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor on Wednesday and the shrink appointment is tomorrow.

I've found out a miracle diet/drug/method thingy. Apparently it's called hCG. It's a hormone they extract from pregnant lady pee. It causes you to lost belly fat. It's pretty much a 500 calorie diet, and then an injection of this stuff every day for either 26 or 41 days (depending on how much you need to lose.) The 41 day one (my preference) would cost about $500. If it actually works, I'd totally do it, even if it means sticking myself in the arm every day. The point is that you lose about a pound a day. THAT'S AWESOME!!! That would mean I'd be able to go on a mission after all this year. At least one thing would work out the way I'd originally planned.

I'm moving again! LAME!! I'm going to be living in a house with 4 other girls, and sharing a room. I think it'll be OK, though. It's the bigger picture I keep focusing on....

Anyway, more later.