Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Ugh.
Lovely. I went to the gym today, as usual. I left, also as usual, feeling much better than I did when I got there. I guess when I go there, I feel like I'm in control of my weight. I am doing something about it. I am making progress. Then, I get home, I weigh myself, and nothing has changed. I ate all good foods today: Salad, a granola bar, water, carrots, and an apple. Please tell me where the part is in there that made me gain weight? I'm at 266 today. I guess yesterday I was at 270 so actually that's losing. The problem is that last week, I was down to 261. That number looks good....I'm supposed to be at 260 by the middle of April to be right on track so i can lose the weight before the papers. But, I'm at 266....UGH! Yes, I realize that's ONLY 5 pounds. Yes, I realize I'm right on track. I DON'T CARE!!!! I want to be 235. I want it to be the end part, where I realize how much progress I've made and I need a new wardrobe because nothing I own remotely fits anymore and is way too huge. But, it's only March. Not August. Lame. Will I really be able to get there? I think so. But, not by myself....I need God to help me. It's the times that I think I can just do it on my own that I don't succeed. When will I ever learn that I just need to let go and have some faith? Maybe that time is now? Again. Well...I guess better late than never, right? Whatever...eventually I get there and I'm skinny. Ok, ok...I know I'm supposed to be getting "healthy" not "skinny." At this point, I don't really give a crap about healthy, I want to look good and I want to be a missionary. I guess, technically, those two can't go hand in hand....if I get too pretty, then I might get married, and that would squash all hopes of a mission. On the other hand, if I don't lose the weight, I can't even consider the mission. I don't want to have to wait for it. I don't want to submit my papers and have them rejected. That would REALLY suck. Anyway, I need to call my mother. I was supposed to on Sunday, and now it's Wednesday...er technically Thursday. Later.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
what the heck, I have more to say
EWWWWWWWWWWWWW...I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. That's actually a lie. I HATE what I see. OMG...If you could see me naked, I'm pretty sure you'd be grossed out. Even I am, and I'm inside of here...There's lots and lots of flab. There's also lots and lots of stretch marks. My feet, my hands, and my face are the only places on my body without them. I had a friend suggest I consider stretch mark reducing creams for pregnant ladies. Great, normal people only get these when they're prego. I have them because I'm fat. That sucks.
I am 270 pounds. Most people get disgusted with themselves when they're 170 pounds. That's a hundred less than me. I would pay lots and lots of money (assuming I had it) to be at 170. Well, that's a long way from now. Even the now 35 pounds I need to lose by August seems like a long way from now. I want to believe I can do it, but that really big bowl of Cheerios I just ate probably isn't helping.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!
UGH! I feel like it's out of control. Why can't I just be on the Biggest Loser or something. I have a trainer, but she doesn't get into my face and yell at me. Sometimes I wish she would. I wish that I had like 4 months where I could just do nothing but lose weight. Then, I'm positive it would happen. I could spend my days hiking, and biking, and swimming, and climbing, and a plethora of other outdoor activites. But, since I'm working, and in school, and trying to lose weight, and preparing for a mission, I don't really see how that would be possible. I should still apply.
We'll see. I'm probably not cool enough to actually get on the show.
I am 270 pounds. Most people get disgusted with themselves when they're 170 pounds. That's a hundred less than me. I would pay lots and lots of money (assuming I had it) to be at 170. Well, that's a long way from now. Even the now 35 pounds I need to lose by August seems like a long way from now. I want to believe I can do it, but that really big bowl of Cheerios I just ate probably isn't helping.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!
UGH! I feel like it's out of control. Why can't I just be on the Biggest Loser or something. I have a trainer, but she doesn't get into my face and yell at me. Sometimes I wish she would. I wish that I had like 4 months where I could just do nothing but lose weight. Then, I'm positive it would happen. I could spend my days hiking, and biking, and swimming, and climbing, and a plethora of other outdoor activites. But, since I'm working, and in school, and trying to lose weight, and preparing for a mission, I don't really see how that would be possible. I should still apply.
We'll see. I'm probably not cool enough to actually get on the show.
Ok...yesterday I loved my life, today, not so much.
GRRRR.....
So I went to the gym today, as usual, after I got off work. Then, I came home and I weighed myself, also as usual. (I know it's bad but I weigh myself like twice a day) Don't bother telling me it's not going to help, because I already know that. But, I do it anyway. GREAT NEWS!!!!!.....(*cue the sarcasm*) I'm back up to 270. That's AWESOME!!! You know what that means? I am not going to want to eat diddly-squat tomorrow. That will last about half of the day, and then I'm going to be starving, so I'll stuff my face with crap that's really bad for me, and then feel like poop about it later, and then try to work out even harder at the gym to compensate, but it really won't do anything for me, so I'll just get frustrated again, and because I'm frustrated, I'll eat. Why did I get this struggle in life? Why couldn't I be a skinny girl, but have really bad acne or something. Why do I, of all people, have to be the FAT girl with blubber that makes me look like a whale? EW. The worst part of all of this is that I try, and I try, and I try, and I do really well at first (think 261 kind of good) and then I just get tired of it and I gain weight again. At least I'm consistent with the gym. There are worse things, I think.........at least I hope so. I can't really think of anything off the top of my head, but I'm sure there's worse things.
If this whole mission thing really is important to me, then you'd think that would be motivation enough to eat raw celery until I die. At least then I won't have choices of what to eat. Who knows? I've heard that people with more routine and less choices in their diet lose more weight. I just need to find like 3 foods that I really, really like, and then just eat those every day. But, I probably shouldn't choose carrots or I might turn orange. Not "I've just been to the tanning bed" orange, more like "I only eat carrots so I don't get fatter" kind of orange. I don't know which is worse. Hmmm...if I only eat celery, will I turn green? I dunno. Things to ponder....
Why can't one thing in my life just be easy. School's hard, work's hard, losing weight is hard, going on a mission's hard, keeping my apartment clean is hard, keeping my head on straight is hard, singing people in love is hard, etc. etc. That leads me to my next rant: Why am I not attractive to the opposite gender whatsoever? Or at least, Why don't they ask me out? Is there something missing? Or am I really that ugly? I don't think I'm ugly.....maybe I'm mistaken. I guess that it doesn't matter if I'm pretty if I'm not skinny and pretty. You have to be both, I suppose. I'd like to believe that there really are guys out there who see who I really am, and that I really do have a lot to offer. However, I have yet to meet one. Guys are more than happy to be my friend, but soon enough they turn to me with their girl problems, like I'm supposed to sit there and listen while they go on about how dumb this girl acted, or how she didn't really care about their date, or whatever. Like, "Oh, it's just Liz. I can talk to her about anything because she'll never be more to me than just my friend..." OY! I just get frustrated sometimes....
Well, I guess once I lose weight, I won't be fat anymore, and then maybe I can possibly go on some dates, or be pretty enough, or whatever. Meh. I'm done ranting for today.
So I went to the gym today, as usual, after I got off work. Then, I came home and I weighed myself, also as usual. (I know it's bad but I weigh myself like twice a day) Don't bother telling me it's not going to help, because I already know that. But, I do it anyway. GREAT NEWS!!!!!.....(*cue the sarcasm*) I'm back up to 270. That's AWESOME!!! You know what that means? I am not going to want to eat diddly-squat tomorrow. That will last about half of the day, and then I'm going to be starving, so I'll stuff my face with crap that's really bad for me, and then feel like poop about it later, and then try to work out even harder at the gym to compensate, but it really won't do anything for me, so I'll just get frustrated again, and because I'm frustrated, I'll eat. Why did I get this struggle in life? Why couldn't I be a skinny girl, but have really bad acne or something. Why do I, of all people, have to be the FAT girl with blubber that makes me look like a whale? EW. The worst part of all of this is that I try, and I try, and I try, and I do really well at first (think 261 kind of good) and then I just get tired of it and I gain weight again. At least I'm consistent with the gym. There are worse things, I think.........at least I hope so. I can't really think of anything off the top of my head, but I'm sure there's worse things.
If this whole mission thing really is important to me, then you'd think that would be motivation enough to eat raw celery until I die. At least then I won't have choices of what to eat. Who knows? I've heard that people with more routine and less choices in their diet lose more weight. I just need to find like 3 foods that I really, really like, and then just eat those every day. But, I probably shouldn't choose carrots or I might turn orange. Not "I've just been to the tanning bed" orange, more like "I only eat carrots so I don't get fatter" kind of orange. I don't know which is worse. Hmmm...if I only eat celery, will I turn green? I dunno. Things to ponder....
Why can't one thing in my life just be easy. School's hard, work's hard, losing weight is hard, going on a mission's hard, keeping my apartment clean is hard, keeping my head on straight is hard, singing people in love is hard, etc. etc. That leads me to my next rant: Why am I not attractive to the opposite gender whatsoever? Or at least, Why don't they ask me out? Is there something missing? Or am I really that ugly? I don't think I'm ugly.....maybe I'm mistaken. I guess that it doesn't matter if I'm pretty if I'm not skinny and pretty. You have to be both, I suppose. I'd like to believe that there really are guys out there who see who I really am, and that I really do have a lot to offer. However, I have yet to meet one. Guys are more than happy to be my friend, but soon enough they turn to me with their girl problems, like I'm supposed to sit there and listen while they go on about how dumb this girl acted, or how she didn't really care about their date, or whatever. Like, "Oh, it's just Liz. I can talk to her about anything because she'll never be more to me than just my friend..." OY! I just get frustrated sometimes....
Well, I guess once I lose weight, I won't be fat anymore, and then maybe I can possibly go on some dates, or be pretty enough, or whatever. Meh. I'm done ranting for today.
So much for 285!!! (In a good way!)
Ok, it's official...I love my life. Things are wonderful. They really are. Granted, some days they really suck, but other times they're grand and you can look at the things that you do accomplish, and you realize that while things still suck, they don't suck quite as bad as they used to.
So, I realized today that I haven't updated this blog in far too long, and there may actually be people out there who could benefit from the ramblings of a semi-sane human being who sometimes wishes she were a beautiful giselle. But, on the other hand, giselles frequently find to need to outrun a cheetah. No matter how fast the giselle runs, she may not ever be faster than the cheetah. So, rather than compare herself to the cheetah (something she will never be) she is going to decide to bask in the glory that is her. She needs to focus on the beautiful things that she is, rather than what she was created to be. If God wanted to make me a cheetah, he would have.
This leads me to my next point: focusing on the little things, rather than how far I have left to go. Rather than the 285 that I was, I am now at 265. Granted, I'd rather be at 135, but that's ok. Actually that's a lie....I'd be ecstatic at 235. So, losing more than a hundred more pounds before December? Probably not happening. Why am I not horribly depressed about this? Because I am making progress. Slow, and steady progress, but progress none the less. HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!! That means I've already lost 20 pounds. That's such a big deal! Yay for me!
So, at this point in my life, I am doing this because I want this! I am not doing this so I can have a wonderful golden birthday (the birthday where your birth-day of the month matches the year you are turning...so in my case that's my 21st birthday because I was born on the 21st of December.) I am doing this because I want a healthy body. I want to be a major hottie. I do. But I think that's because I never have been. It's one thing to be something, have it go away, and make it a goal to get it back. Because I never have been a major hottie, this is a totally new thing for me. I hope that afterward people I haven't seen in forever see me and wonder who I am. Then, I can start talking, or singing, or something and they'll realize I've been beautiful all along, it was just hiding.
More about the gym: I got a personal trainer! Best decision I could have made. Abbi is wonderful. At first, I loathed the gym and everything about it. Then, I forced myself to go because I felt like I should. I didn't know why, but it was still important. Then, I got a trainer (because, let's face it: I'm clueless when it comes to stuff like the gym). It's $140 a month, but totally worth it. I only went the once a week I met with the trainer at first, because I would be so tired afterward that I dreaded the rest of the week. And, the first 3 times I went, I almost passed out. That was scary. I knew that there was something wrong with that, but I couldn't pinpoint it. It turns out that you can't go to the gym and work out on an empty stomach. It freaks out your body. Plus, you get a massive headache so big you want to just sleep for a week afterward. But, after the first month or so, I started going more frequently. At first, it was just twice a week, which was still better than once. And, I started eating breakfast beforehand. Then, I moved it to after work. My body began wanting the gym. I could feel this urge to go amongst the other sweaty bodies and run around a little bit. Also at first, I started with the elliptical machine. (It's great: low impact, and if your legs get tired, you can drag yourself to keep going by using your arms to help) Then, I added the treadmill and the bike. Last week, for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE I went to the gym 6 times. M-Th from 9pm-10:30pm. Then Friday, I met with Abbi in the morning from 7:30-8am. So, things are good!
My biggest struggle is the food thing. I use food for WAY MORE than just the fuel my body needs. I use it for love, for comfort, for boredom, or just because. It's lame. I need help with that, but I don't know how it's going to work out.....I just need to try harder. I need to be down to 135 by August. There's no ifs ands of buts about it at this point!!
The reason this whole weight loss thing is so important to me at THIS POINT is because of my mission. I want to serve a full-time prostelyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. There is not ONE THING in my life that makes me happier than knowing I have a Savior who paved the way back to my Father in Heaven. I want to return and live with Him forever. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that this Gospel is real. Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, live and love me. Sometimes I do things that are really dumb. But, that's ok. They still love me. They still answer my sometimes feeble attempts at prayer. I am happy when I'm living my life in a way that God would want me to. When I include Him in my plans, they always work out in ways I didn't even realize were possible. Or, they work out, but not how I thought they would. I LOVE THIS GOSPEL more than anything else. So, I want to share this love, this joy, and pure unaltered happiness with everyone I know. Not everybody wants to hear it, and I understand that, but everybody needs the opportunity. There are experiences I've had in my life that are uniquely mine, and once again I have the privilege of fighting for something that's important to me. When it came to becoming a baptised member of my church, I had several family members who were against it, one of which was my dad. My mom was supportive, and believed it herself, but because my parents had joint custody of me after their divorce, both parents' permission was needed. I wanted it. I wanted to be a member because I felt the fire that surrounded the things I learned in my classes. I felt the Holy Ghost enter my heart, and I wanted it to stay there. But, that was a privilege I had to wait for. So, I waited 10 years until I turned 18 and could decide for myself that's what I wanted. I did it. I turned 18 December 21, 2006 and was baptised that very day. It changed my life forever. I have the right to the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. It helps and guides me to make good, and sometimes better choices than I would have on my own. Now, I have the opportunity to share this with others. But, in order to do that, I need to have a BMI of 37 or below. Which, because of my height (5'7") I can weigh no more than 235 pounds, or I'm ineligible to serve. I'm just glad I know this now, a few months before I start the papers, rather than submitting them for evaluation and getting rejected. This requirements are there for a reason. The Church wants missionaries who will be successful. They want us to be healthy. That's why we have the Word of Wisdom and the knowledge God has given us about our bodies. They're sacred and important. I need to take better care of mine.
Ok, I'm getting tired now....time for bed. More later!
So, I realized today that I haven't updated this blog in far too long, and there may actually be people out there who could benefit from the ramblings of a semi-sane human being who sometimes wishes she were a beautiful giselle. But, on the other hand, giselles frequently find to need to outrun a cheetah. No matter how fast the giselle runs, she may not ever be faster than the cheetah. So, rather than compare herself to the cheetah (something she will never be) she is going to decide to bask in the glory that is her. She needs to focus on the beautiful things that she is, rather than what she was created to be. If God wanted to make me a cheetah, he would have.
This leads me to my next point: focusing on the little things, rather than how far I have left to go. Rather than the 285 that I was, I am now at 265. Granted, I'd rather be at 135, but that's ok. Actually that's a lie....I'd be ecstatic at 235. So, losing more than a hundred more pounds before December? Probably not happening. Why am I not horribly depressed about this? Because I am making progress. Slow, and steady progress, but progress none the less. HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!! That means I've already lost 20 pounds. That's such a big deal! Yay for me!
So, at this point in my life, I am doing this because I want this! I am not doing this so I can have a wonderful golden birthday (the birthday where your birth-day of the month matches the year you are turning...so in my case that's my 21st birthday because I was born on the 21st of December.) I am doing this because I want a healthy body. I want to be a major hottie. I do. But I think that's because I never have been. It's one thing to be something, have it go away, and make it a goal to get it back. Because I never have been a major hottie, this is a totally new thing for me. I hope that afterward people I haven't seen in forever see me and wonder who I am. Then, I can start talking, or singing, or something and they'll realize I've been beautiful all along, it was just hiding.
More about the gym: I got a personal trainer! Best decision I could have made. Abbi is wonderful. At first, I loathed the gym and everything about it. Then, I forced myself to go because I felt like I should. I didn't know why, but it was still important. Then, I got a trainer (because, let's face it: I'm clueless when it comes to stuff like the gym). It's $140 a month, but totally worth it. I only went the once a week I met with the trainer at first, because I would be so tired afterward that I dreaded the rest of the week. And, the first 3 times I went, I almost passed out. That was scary. I knew that there was something wrong with that, but I couldn't pinpoint it. It turns out that you can't go to the gym and work out on an empty stomach. It freaks out your body. Plus, you get a massive headache so big you want to just sleep for a week afterward. But, after the first month or so, I started going more frequently. At first, it was just twice a week, which was still better than once. And, I started eating breakfast beforehand. Then, I moved it to after work. My body began wanting the gym. I could feel this urge to go amongst the other sweaty bodies and run around a little bit. Also at first, I started with the elliptical machine. (It's great: low impact, and if your legs get tired, you can drag yourself to keep going by using your arms to help) Then, I added the treadmill and the bike. Last week, for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE I went to the gym 6 times. M-Th from 9pm-10:30pm. Then Friday, I met with Abbi in the morning from 7:30-8am. So, things are good!
My biggest struggle is the food thing. I use food for WAY MORE than just the fuel my body needs. I use it for love, for comfort, for boredom, or just because. It's lame. I need help with that, but I don't know how it's going to work out.....I just need to try harder. I need to be down to 135 by August. There's no ifs ands of buts about it at this point!!
The reason this whole weight loss thing is so important to me at THIS POINT is because of my mission. I want to serve a full-time prostelyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. There is not ONE THING in my life that makes me happier than knowing I have a Savior who paved the way back to my Father in Heaven. I want to return and live with Him forever. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that this Gospel is real. Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, live and love me. Sometimes I do things that are really dumb. But, that's ok. They still love me. They still answer my sometimes feeble attempts at prayer. I am happy when I'm living my life in a way that God would want me to. When I include Him in my plans, they always work out in ways I didn't even realize were possible. Or, they work out, but not how I thought they would. I LOVE THIS GOSPEL more than anything else. So, I want to share this love, this joy, and pure unaltered happiness with everyone I know. Not everybody wants to hear it, and I understand that, but everybody needs the opportunity. There are experiences I've had in my life that are uniquely mine, and once again I have the privilege of fighting for something that's important to me. When it came to becoming a baptised member of my church, I had several family members who were against it, one of which was my dad. My mom was supportive, and believed it herself, but because my parents had joint custody of me after their divorce, both parents' permission was needed. I wanted it. I wanted to be a member because I felt the fire that surrounded the things I learned in my classes. I felt the Holy Ghost enter my heart, and I wanted it to stay there. But, that was a privilege I had to wait for. So, I waited 10 years until I turned 18 and could decide for myself that's what I wanted. I did it. I turned 18 December 21, 2006 and was baptised that very day. It changed my life forever. I have the right to the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. It helps and guides me to make good, and sometimes better choices than I would have on my own. Now, I have the opportunity to share this with others. But, in order to do that, I need to have a BMI of 37 or below. Which, because of my height (5'7") I can weigh no more than 235 pounds, or I'm ineligible to serve. I'm just glad I know this now, a few months before I start the papers, rather than submitting them for evaluation and getting rejected. This requirements are there for a reason. The Church wants missionaries who will be successful. They want us to be healthy. That's why we have the Word of Wisdom and the knowledge God has given us about our bodies. They're sacred and important. I need to take better care of mine.
Ok, I'm getting tired now....time for bed. More later!
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