Wednesday, October 15, 2008
This will be me in like 5 or 6 years......
I have just received the results from the Certification Board for Music Therapists. My heart is pounding as I recall the years I’ve spent getting to this point. I’ve already graduated from Utah State with a Bachelor of Arts in Music Therapy. I’ve earned the highest academic award possible, making the Dean’s list: one of my many academic achievements. My six month internship has been the most rewarding experience of my life so far, but this is the crowning moment where I open the results from the certification test. I already know the results inside. I’m to be a board-certified music therapist. I’ve spent too many hours learning this valuable information, six months worth of internships under my belt, there’s no way I didn’t pass. I chuckle as I recall opening my acceptance letter from Utah State University. I had jumped up and down, screaming that I’d been accepted. Another incredible academic experience after struggling at the University of Utah for 3 semesters, unable to get motivated to study, knowing the direction I was going was not the one I wanted for the rest of my life. I had known the U was the right place to go after high school, but I also knew that staying there would not make me happy. I knew what I wanted, and the U would not get me there. So, I’d quit school and struggled along, working full time for 9 months before attending LDS Business College. At the beginning of that first semester, I struggled as always with feelings of inadequacies, focusing on my past problems and my weaknesses. But, I had taken a class that changed my life forever. It forced me to visualize myself at this very moment. Funny, but it’s exactly as I had imagined it. This class had been forced on me by the school, but I’ll be eternally grateful for it. I’d had a rough couple of weeks, where I felt even waking up in the morning was a chore. But I’d overcome my shortcomings, trusting in God to help me become someone I never could have been on my own. Graduating from LDSBC had been exciting for me. There was a time, even, when I’d thought that was impossible. But, I’d done it. Then, I’d applied to Utah State. Finishing in a short 3 years, I’d hurried along to the internship. Then this. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I know my parents are proud. Mom’s always been supportive of my decisions. At first, she didn’t understand that I needed to do things my way, but then she started trusting me. My dad’s told me how much he loves me, and how proud he is at the person I’ve become. He’d known I could do this from the time I was out of the womb, although I think he expected too much from me when I was younger. I had never been able to step up to his expectations of me. Not until now. I realize he’d been right all along but I just couldn’t see the value in myself. I held the thick envelope in my hands. Reading my name over and over again, I can’t believe it’s real. The return address on the envelope clearly states “Certification Board for Music Therapists.” That is my name peering through the window. This is it. I slide my finger underneath the minimally separated corner. Ouch! Paper cut. Of course. The crowning moment of my entire academic life and I’m bleeding. Just another distraction. At this point, I don’t care what’s going on anymore. I just want to see my certificate. Hold it in my hands and smell the wonderful smell of freshly printed paper my name appearing in beautiful calligraphy. Let’s try this again. I pulled the contents of the envelope, checking the name on the front one more time, making sure this is real. Yep. It still says my name, my address. The certificate is already in a frame. Granted, it’s made of cardboard, but it looks splendid. I start to weep softly. Not the hysterics that usually accompany poor choices accompanied by the consequences that follow them. These are the happy tears of a job well done. I’ve worked hard for this, and I know it. God knows it, too. More than the pride of my earthy parents, God is pleased with me. I can feel His Spiritual arms around me, congratulating me on this small and eternally insignificant feat. While in the grand scheme of things, passing the music therapy certification test is minimal to my eternal salvation. But it will definitely change the rest of my life. At the same time, all the things I’ve learned up and through this point will stay with me forever. The people I’ve met, the relationships I’ve shared, the lessons of perseverance and my divine capabilities are something that I can keep for now and through eternity. For the first time in a long time, I feel satisfied and proud of my achievements. I can see how far I’ve come from a scared 17 year old high school graduate moving to Utah by herself to a magnificent woman who knows who she is, and what she’s doing. Finally.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Being a superfatty (skip the first paragraph guys!)
So, in actuality, it wasn't my boobs that were the problem. It was my bra after all. All of my bras were pretty worn out/snapped the underwire in the middle. Yeah, supereffective. NOT. So, I bought new bras. One of the was blue with white polka dots. Random, huh?
So, basically, I'm a fatty. I ate a cheese sandwhich for dinner and put may and mustard on it. Luckily, I only used 2 oz of chees, othere I'm never getting rid of my gluteus maximus maximus. But then, I went over to my friend and her fiancee's house and they offered to feed me dinner. So, I told them I already ate. I could have (in my previously normal state) just not said that I'd eaten and ate their food anyway. But, I was good and just ate salad and garlic bread with them. I also refused the popcorn,but asked for a mini Twix bar. I don't know where the logic is in that one. Anyway, I don't feel as awesome when I don't walk to work and go to the gym. I've been a superfatty and been too lazy. Here would be the time where I usualy would have just given up and said "to heck with it" and told myself that it was my destiny to always be fat. But, no more! Oh lame. It's been like 4 days and less than a week and I'm aready feeling like I want to give up. If I do that, though, I'll never get skinny and healthy! No bueno! well, looking at y weight loss chart kind of make sme feel like poo and that I'll never get to my goals. Then, I remind myself that I only have to lose 2 pounds a week to stay on the right track (which translates to 8 pounds a month.) So really, I'm going fine. I need to relax a little and let myself make mistakes. It'll be fin, I just don't want to gain ANY weight. I once weighed 299 pounds. so, when you look at it, I really am doing well. I weigh 285 (last time I checked...Sunday) so, really, I've already lost 14 pounds. What's another 146? hahahahaaaaa.....
So, basically, I'm a fatty. I ate a cheese sandwhich for dinner and put may and mustard on it. Luckily, I only used 2 oz of chees, othere I'm never getting rid of my gluteus maximus maximus. But then, I went over to my friend and her fiancee's house and they offered to feed me dinner. So, I told them I already ate. I could have (in my previously normal state) just not said that I'd eaten and ate their food anyway. But, I was good and just ate salad and garlic bread with them. I also refused the popcorn,but asked for a mini Twix bar. I don't know where the logic is in that one. Anyway, I don't feel as awesome when I don't walk to work and go to the gym. I've been a superfatty and been too lazy. Here would be the time where I usualy would have just given up and said "to heck with it" and told myself that it was my destiny to always be fat. But, no more! Oh lame. It's been like 4 days and less than a week and I'm aready feeling like I want to give up. If I do that, though, I'll never get skinny and healthy! No bueno! well, looking at y weight loss chart kind of make sme feel like poo and that I'll never get to my goals. Then, I remind myself that I only have to lose 2 pounds a week to stay on the right track (which translates to 8 pounds a month.) So really, I'm going fine. I need to relax a little and let myself make mistakes. It'll be fin, I just don't want to gain ANY weight. I once weighed 299 pounds. so, when you look at it, I really am doing well. I weigh 285 (last time I checked...Sunday) so, really, I've already lost 14 pounds. What's another 146? hahahahaaaaa.....
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Bras (If you're a guy reading this, I suggest skipping over this one)
LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!!!!! SO I'm losing weight for sure. My fat feels like it's trying to dissolve itself. I'm not exactly sure if that's actually what's going on, but that's really not the point. So I can tell my pouch is shrinking (although I'm positive no one but me can tell) But, my bra definitely wasn't fitting right because it kept riding up my back and the straps were falling off my shoulders and worst of all, because I wear a plunge bra, my boobs were kind of not staying in place, which is kind of the point of wearing one in the first place. If I wanted to let it all hang out, I wouldn't bother with a bra. so, I adjusted the straps (an easy fix) and then I used the second row of eyes (as in hooks and eyes) and it was like a miracle. Everything's staying in place. It's wonderful!
SO I didn't go to the gym this morning as planned because I didn't sleep very well last night. Why? I think it's because I couldn't eat dinner until like 10pm because I worked until 9:36 (I know the exact time because I had to clock out.) So when I tried to go to bed at 10:30, my body was busy digesting food and wasn't ready for rest and repair mode. So...when I woke up at 6am, I didn't go to the gym, I slept. So, I got up at like 8:30 and decided running around doing errands for a wedding and a park taking bridal pictures was sufficient. And yes, I realize that's lame. So what?
SO I didn't go to the gym this morning as planned because I didn't sleep very well last night. Why? I think it's because I couldn't eat dinner until like 10pm because I worked until 9:36 (I know the exact time because I had to clock out.) So when I tried to go to bed at 10:30, my body was busy digesting food and wasn't ready for rest and repair mode. So...when I woke up at 6am, I didn't go to the gym, I slept. So, I got up at like 8:30 and decided running around doing errands for a wedding and a park taking bridal pictures was sufficient. And yes, I realize that's lame. So what?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Day 2 @ the GYM!!!
HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I SMELL AWFUL!!!! Then again, my kitchen garbage smells nasty too and I don't hold it against it. It's just the nature of a garbage can. So should I hold it against me? Probably not. Apparently, people smell bad when they exercise. Who knew? Oh gosh! Did I really just compare myself to a garbage can? Yes, yes I did.
So today at the gym I talked to and set up and appointment with a personal trainer. Cool, huh?! It's almost like I' a celebrity. But, as it turns out, I have to work at 8am the day I set it up at 7:30, so I had to cancel. But, I'm determined to have a trainer of the opposite gender who can make me a hottie. I'm already "cute" and I have a "pretty face" which really means someone's just trying to be nice. Not that there's anything wrong with nice. Nice is nice. Being a hottie is better. Here's my theory about a personal trainer who's a dude: He's going to know what attractive looks like because that's what he'd be attracted to. Therefore, if I'm attractive in his eyes, I'll be attractive to other guys as well. But, don't get me wrong, being attractive is not the main reason I'm losing all this weight. I'm losing it to be healthy and to boost my self-esteem. I love that I'm blunt with myself. I know I'm fat. There's no point in trying to disguise it. BUT, I don't always have to be this way. I can and will change it. I love that I'm doing this. As an added bonus, I think my skin is clearing up as well.
I think eating crap all the time was taking a toll on me. Now, fast food make me feel like poop. SO, in order to avoid poopiness, I'm not eating fast food EVER AGAIN! It is in no way shape or form good for me. So, it it's not good for me, I don't eat it. I've finally adopted the point of view in which the things of the future are so much more important than what I wan here and now. That goes for more things than just losing weight. My spiritual self is much happier when I take care f its home, my body. Plus, when I do the right thins, I'm much happier. Taking time out to focus on Scripture Study, personal prayer and leading a life guided by God is incredibly invigorating. Plus, even if no one else but God is proud of me, He always will be . He knows being healthy is important too.
So, this is purely psychological, but I don't care. First off, the smaller you cut your apple slices, the more food your body thinks its getting. Why not trick myself out? Sounds like a plan to me. Secondly, me writing all this stuff down makes me completely accountable. Who's gonna want to read about someone who fails That's right! NOBODY! But a fat girl gone skinny? That's good stuff. Here's where you come in: You reading this stuff is helping me reach my goals. Just the fact that I know this is going to be read by someone, somewhere means I have to do well. That's all there is to it.
So today at the gym I talked to and set up and appointment with a personal trainer. Cool, huh?! It's almost like I' a celebrity. But, as it turns out, I have to work at 8am the day I set it up at 7:30, so I had to cancel. But, I'm determined to have a trainer of the opposite gender who can make me a hottie. I'm already "cute" and I have a "pretty face" which really means someone's just trying to be nice. Not that there's anything wrong with nice. Nice is nice. Being a hottie is better. Here's my theory about a personal trainer who's a dude: He's going to know what attractive looks like because that's what he'd be attracted to. Therefore, if I'm attractive in his eyes, I'll be attractive to other guys as well. But, don't get me wrong, being attractive is not the main reason I'm losing all this weight. I'm losing it to be healthy and to boost my self-esteem. I love that I'm blunt with myself. I know I'm fat. There's no point in trying to disguise it. BUT, I don't always have to be this way. I can and will change it. I love that I'm doing this. As an added bonus, I think my skin is clearing up as well.
I think eating crap all the time was taking a toll on me. Now, fast food make me feel like poop. SO, in order to avoid poopiness, I'm not eating fast food EVER AGAIN! It is in no way shape or form good for me. So, it it's not good for me, I don't eat it. I've finally adopted the point of view in which the things of the future are so much more important than what I wan here and now. That goes for more things than just losing weight. My spiritual self is much happier when I take care f its home, my body. Plus, when I do the right thins, I'm much happier. Taking time out to focus on Scripture Study, personal prayer and leading a life guided by God is incredibly invigorating. Plus, even if no one else but God is proud of me, He always will be . He knows being healthy is important too.
So, this is purely psychological, but I don't care. First off, the smaller you cut your apple slices, the more food your body thinks its getting. Why not trick myself out? Sounds like a plan to me. Secondly, me writing all this stuff down makes me completely accountable. Who's gonna want to read about someone who fails That's right! NOBODY! But a fat girl gone skinny? That's good stuff. Here's where you come in: You reading this stuff is helping me reach my goals. Just the fact that I know this is going to be read by someone, somewhere means I have to do well. That's all there is to it.
The gym!
Wow! Going to the gym is an interesting experience. Not only do I get the pleasure of feeling my pouch jiggle around, I also get the opportunity to see a dud who really shouldn't have even bothered putting clothes on to go to the gym flirt with the really attractive woman who didn't even look like she needed the gym in the first place. So, back to the pouch...
In case you have no clue what a "pouch" is, let me inform you: A pouch, my friends, is an extremely large flap of fat that hangs down because there;s just too much fat in there to make a simple bulge. I drew a picture for you, but I think it's a bit too graphic, so you'll have to take my word for it.
My goal=live a life without a pouch (except when I'm pregnant, but that's a different goal)
So the gym: All along the wall are names of famous people who apparently go to Gold's Gym. I'm supposed to be inspired by the ultra-thin unrealistic body types of Hollywood which include greats like Goldie Hawn and the Governator. (a.k.a. Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Honestly, going to the gym is incredibly stress-relieving and I enjoy it. I've always said that I hate running. I think the only reason why is because I've had so much extra fat on my body. I think maybe it'd be cool the run a marathon. Not that I'd actually expect to win, but just for the experience. Then again, this could be another of those instances in my life in which I have no idea what I'm getting myself into until I'm knee deep in you-know-what.
So I had a crapload of errands to run today, and afterward, I went to my all-time favorite place to eat and got my usual: a large mac 'n' cheese, Parmesan crusted chicken, and a flatbread. Mmmmmm...just for kicks I also got a snickerdoodle cookie. I was pretty excited, because this is my favorite treat: Noodles & Co. So, I ate the chicken and 1/4 of the noodles and I was full. WHAT?!?!?!?! Usually, I can down the whole bowl of noodles AND the chicken AND the flatbread and still be hungry. So I'll eat a treat as well (i.e. rice crispy treat, snickerdoodle, etc) Not today!! I still have the entire snickerdoodle, the flatbread, and 3/4 of the noodles left still. Apparently, my stomach shrank after eating so well for the past few days. I think that's definitely a plus! I've also noticed that my workout this morning actually gave me MORE energy throughout the day. Walking to work and back is also good, but this 1.5 mi every morning will have to become a routine.
In case you have no clue what a "pouch" is, let me inform you: A pouch, my friends, is an extremely large flap of fat that hangs down because there;s just too much fat in there to make a simple bulge. I drew a picture for you, but I think it's a bit too graphic, so you'll have to take my word for it.
My goal=live a life without a pouch (except when I'm pregnant, but that's a different goal)
So the gym: All along the wall are names of famous people who apparently go to Gold's Gym. I'm supposed to be inspired by the ultra-thin unrealistic body types of Hollywood which include greats like Goldie Hawn and the Governator. (a.k.a. Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Honestly, going to the gym is incredibly stress-relieving and I enjoy it. I've always said that I hate running. I think the only reason why is because I've had so much extra fat on my body. I think maybe it'd be cool the run a marathon. Not that I'd actually expect to win, but just for the experience. Then again, this could be another of those instances in my life in which I have no idea what I'm getting myself into until I'm knee deep in you-know-what.
So I had a crapload of errands to run today, and afterward, I went to my all-time favorite place to eat and got my usual: a large mac 'n' cheese, Parmesan crusted chicken, and a flatbread. Mmmmmm...just for kicks I also got a snickerdoodle cookie. I was pretty excited, because this is my favorite treat: Noodles & Co. So, I ate the chicken and 1/4 of the noodles and I was full. WHAT?!?!?!?! Usually, I can down the whole bowl of noodles AND the chicken AND the flatbread and still be hungry. So I'll eat a treat as well (i.e. rice crispy treat, snickerdoodle, etc) Not today!! I still have the entire snickerdoodle, the flatbread, and 3/4 of the noodles left still. Apparently, my stomach shrank after eating so well for the past few days. I think that's definitely a plus! I've also noticed that my workout this morning actually gave me MORE energy throughout the day. Walking to work and back is also good, but this 1.5 mi every morning will have to become a routine.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Ugh...
OK....here goes.......
My goals as of 6/22/2008
lose 146 pounds (one entire person) 285-146=139 pounds
146 pounds / 18 months = 8.2 pounds per month which is totally doable, right? Break that down even more and that's 2.05 pounds per week
this is 100% in my capacity to do! I can literally reach my goal of losing weight by the time I turn 21 and can officially serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!?!?!?!
I really need to just tell myself that it's in my capacity to SUCCEED not fail.
I am doing SO WELL! I eat healthy foods in health amounts. I don't feel stuffed, I feel satisfied. (in more ways than one) :) I'm so glad that I have goals that I can set for myself that I can actually achieve. I'm not hoping to succeed, I WILL!
I just also have to remember that no matter what I weigh, no matter what I look like and regardless of what anybody thins/says/what I think about myself, God will ALWAYS love me and knows that I am a person of infinite worth with divine nature.
When I actually sat down and figured this out mathematically, I cried. breaking it down to 8 pounds a month made my goals a reality as opposed to a dream and something I can just hope will happen someday. That "someday" is today. I don't think that weighing myself daily is really going to do me any good, so I'm limiting it to once a week. Sundays. Because my Sabbaths are a day that I like to use to self-reflect, that would also be a good day for a weigh-in. You know, I think that as I continue to put myself first, I will also be able to reach out even farther out of myself. I know that sounds a bit contradictory, but really, I cant fully help others until 'm squared away with my own stuff.
My goals as of 6/22/2008
lose 146 pounds (one entire person) 285-146=139 pounds
146 pounds / 18 months = 8.2 pounds per month which is totally doable, right? Break that down even more and that's 2.05 pounds per week
this is 100% in my capacity to do! I can literally reach my goal of losing weight by the time I turn 21 and can officially serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!?!?!?!
I really need to just tell myself that it's in my capacity to SUCCEED not fail.
I am doing SO WELL! I eat healthy foods in health amounts. I don't feel stuffed, I feel satisfied. (in more ways than one) :) I'm so glad that I have goals that I can set for myself that I can actually achieve. I'm not hoping to succeed, I WILL!
I just also have to remember that no matter what I weigh, no matter what I look like and regardless of what anybody thins/says/what I think about myself, God will ALWAYS love me and knows that I am a person of infinite worth with divine nature.
When I actually sat down and figured this out mathematically, I cried. breaking it down to 8 pounds a month made my goals a reality as opposed to a dream and something I can just hope will happen someday. That "someday" is today. I don't think that weighing myself daily is really going to do me any good, so I'm limiting it to once a week. Sundays. Because my Sabbaths are a day that I like to use to self-reflect, that would also be a good day for a weigh-in. You know, I think that as I continue to put myself first, I will also be able to reach out even farther out of myself. I know that sounds a bit contradictory, but really, I cant fully help others until 'm squared away with my own stuff.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
