something I just realized

I was reading over my blogs from last year. this time LAST YEAR I was trying to lose weight. If I had just stuck with it at the time, I would not be trying to lose 20 pounds in the next month so I can go on a mission. Why am I so STUPID?

It's really late, and I'm really tired but...

There's been a lot of stuff happening the past few months. WAAAAAAy too much to fit in one very long blog, but it basically consists of mission papers, massage school, my job, moving, my roommate, money, and mission papers. (it's listed twice because it's the main one) oh yeah, and losing weight. Still. yeah....

We'll start at the bottom and work our way to the top, shall we?

losing weight: sucks. what else is there to know. I'm back up to 258. Yesterday I was 255. How does this happen? I eat good foods. I even at FRUIT at Chuck-o-rama. Who does that? Someone trying to lose weight for a mission, that's who. I try to go to the gym in the mornings around 6:30, but that hasn't happened the ast week at least because I'm so freaking tired all the time. I could seriously sleep an entire weekened and still be tired. Doesn't help anything. I eat goo dfood and exercise. that's about it. And, I pray a lot. What else is there?

money: I have none. the end.

roommate: Amazing.

I'll have to start the next one here...I'm so dang tired it's ridiculous.

Boys still suck and I'm moving again.

It's a record. I've only lived in the place I live now for the past 3 months. Now I'm moving again. Lame. Plus, add a massage therapy student clinic ever Saturday from now until I graduate and you got a whole lotta not having a life. yay. So, I'll be gradually moving between now and the 1st of August. It will be better...I promise! Ok, I hope it will be because I don't think I can really deal with any more crap in my life.

My bills have started going to collections, and I get calls now from people wanting me to pay them. I don't have it. yay.

That's all I've got time for. I'm at work and really shouldn't be doing this right now anyway.

Later...hopefully.

oy

boys suck. the end.

252.6!!!!

It is ridiculous to me that I've lost almost 20 pounds (18 pounds) since I started this whole weight-loss stuff. Ridiculous in a good way, of course, but still ridiculous. I think I need to start believing more in myself. That will be the key for long-term success. I've been seeing the therapist. Granted, it's only been 2 weeks, but the point is that I feel a whole lot better. I think the meds are helping, as much as I detest being on them. At the same time, I think they help with the weight loss. Instead of turning to food to make me feel better, I do other things. Plus, I'm never hungry, so I don't have this lingering urge to just eat crap when I get home from work, or the gym, or wherever. I actually have to remind myself to eat, and sometimes I forget. But, later on in the day I start feeling lightheaded and weak, so I start eating then. I dunno, but it's a good thing for me! :)

I'm moving in 3 days. Ew! I don't want to. I just keep telling myself that this will be better in the long run for me. I'll save a lot of money, and I can save for the mission. It will all work out for the better! Awesome!

More later.

Well, this sucks!

Things could be worse, yes, but at the moment I am realizing the full ramifications of my actions.

I'm moving in a week and a half. I haven't even started packing. That's lame. My friend's coming over in the morning to help, but I don't even know where to start. I am so not ready. I don't really want to live with 4 other girls, but the long run will be better for me so I can save for my mission. (Assuming that I'm not defective and they reject me.)

I only have 25 more pounds to go. I'm 15 down! That's amazing, but not enough. Why do I feel like that's the going trend for me? I'm never enough. Not skinny enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, just plain not good enough. I want to believe that's not really the case, but it's hard not to compare myself with others. Really hard.

I don't even want to be super skinny. I just want to be mission-eligible at this point. I want this for the right reasons, and in the case of pregnant lady pee, I don't think that's such a good idea. I will do just about anything EXCEPT inject myself with hCG to lose weight.

Withdrawing from school has some lasting effects, but it's better also. I went for a follow up appointment with my MD and then also saw the psychiatrist this week. The MD advised me to get healthy and more stable before gradually adding more things to the stress of my life. I think she's right. I'm not doing summer school. I could, theoretically, use my savings to pay for at least a couple of classes, but I think I'm going to opt not to. There's no way I can get my associate's before December (the mission eligibility date) so I should not try to push myself too hard. I admire those people who can take 17 credit hours and work 2 jobs and still maintain 4.0 GPAs. I am not one of them. I had 15 credit hours and one 36 hour per week job and I couldn't do it. So, at least I know my limits. I keep telling myself that this will all work out. It will, I just don't see how. I need to at least do fall next year, or my student loans will become due. Not good.

Well, I need to pack, so I really should go. I'm lame, I know. Later.

256.8!

So...sorry it's taken me so stinking long to update this bad boy but things have been crazy (needless to say) so I haven't had a whole ton of time. Last week went well...I officially withdrew from Winter Semester 2009. GREAT! It sucks on the one hand, but on the other, it's great for me! I had a viable medical reason for the crappy grades I had, and it's the best decision I could make under the circumstances. I ended up going to the doctor Wednesday and they did a depression pre-screening, and then I started bawling after a few simple questions. I think that was the third time that day alone. Let me just say that I'm a cry baby, but this has been a little bit extreme. The doctor immediately referred me to a psychiatrist (side note: psychologists can to therapy and know a lot about how to handle people. Psychiatrists are MD's that continue on to specialize in psychiatric disorders. They're able to prescribe medication whereas psychologists can't.) and she put me on a drug called celexa. It's an anti-depressant. Apparently my case was severe enough that I required medication for it. That being said, it changed everything. The first couple of days I felt extremely nauseated and had a throbbing headache and couldn't concentrate. Then, it got better from there. On the plus side, the celexa keeps me from binge eating, especially since it's often prescribed for bulimics as well. Thus, I am losing weight. Instead of dealing with my emotions through food (my favorite method) I'm a lot happier and thus don't need to cope that way. I think the shrink will help also. I have a follow-up appointment with the doctor on Wednesday and the shrink appointment is tomorrow.

I've found out a miracle diet/drug/method thingy. Apparently it's called hCG. It's a hormone they extract from pregnant lady pee. It causes you to lost belly fat. It's pretty much a 500 calorie diet, and then an injection of this stuff every day for either 26 or 41 days (depending on how much you need to lose.) The 41 day one (my preference) would cost about $500. If it actually works, I'd totally do it, even if it means sticking myself in the arm every day. The point is that you lose about a pound a day. THAT'S AWESOME!!! That would mean I'd be able to go on a mission after all this year. At least one thing would work out the way I'd originally planned.

I'm moving again! LAME!! I'm going to be living in a house with 4 other girls, and sharing a room. I think it'll be OK, though. It's the bigger picture I keep focusing on....

Anyway, more later.

oh yeah...

I can't wait to tell my parents that I'm failing everything and that I can't handle my life, especially since every time I talk with them, I make it sound like everything's hunky-dory! What the heck else am I supposed to do? Tell them the truth and let them make me move home? I don't really like that option. Tell them that, once again, I'm failing school? Great! Can't wait.

The awesomeness that is Youtube...

So there I was, looking at Youtube. How I got there in the first place is beyond me because I don't EVER do that. There on Youtube, somehow I ended up at a video of this woman who lost 112 pounds and documented it over a series of months. In the end, she looked GORGEOUS! I was sitting here thinking about how that's possible. Upon further investigation, I realized that she has weight loss surgery. This is not an option I would choose for myself. I am still fully functioning...minus running for more than 2 minutes at a time, but I'm getting there. I want to believe that I'm not to a point where that's the only thing I can do. I don't want to permanently alter any part of my body, including my stomach. I've heard stories where things don't work out the way they're supposed to, and people can die from it. People can die from complications arising from being obese ( a word I DETEST, by the way) but I still think there's other options and other reasons behind my fatness. (For some odd reason I have no problem with the word "fat" but "obese" is a swear word to me.) So, then , upon further, further invesitgation, I found videos of pictures of people who lost weight WITHOUT weight loss surgery. I also found some videos about the 400 pound 7 year old, which was the most devastating thing I have every seen in my life. She eventually lost like 280 pounds or something...now she's 10. That's beside the point...How did she do it? Well, she had a medical intervention and they put her in the hospital. Then the pediatric obesity clinic fixed it all. They put her on a strict diet, where she can only eat certain foods, etc. etc. Why can't I do that. Like I said, the Biggest Loser, or something. I have a trainer, but that's not really cutting it at this point. Abbi, my amazing trainer, had to quit. Gold's wasn't very nice to her aparantly. Well...at this point there's so much going on, that it's going to be another long post, sorry.

At this point in my life, I have come to the realization that there is a very real PHYSICAL ailment that I suffer from. It's called depression. It is a chemical imbalance in by brain that keeps me from things I really care about, and causes all kinds of weird things to happen (think being able to sleep for 12 hours without it even phasing me...) Things that should be important, like school, become impossible. Think of it this way: There's a reason I haven't been in class, and why I haven't been able to be successful in school, despite the fact that it's VERY important to me to become a music therapist. I know that things in life that are really worth it are worth fighting for. This is different. I can't be constantly fighting MYSELF because I'll never get anywhere.

I believe that a very LARGE majority of my weight loss issues are DIRECTLY linked to depression. I feel like crap about 68% of the time in my life. Because I feel like poo, I turn to something that can fill the void: food. It's always there, any hour of the day, every day, constantly. That's how I deal with it. Once I have the depression under control, I think that the weight loss will come as part of it.

Here's how this came about as a reality: I broke down in my academic advisor's office. Sister Bell is amazing. I told her everything that's going on: the mission, the money, school, life, church. Literally, I told her everything. I told her I felt like I was failing everything. (This isn't quite true, but it kind of feels like it.) I was sobbing, trying to get a grip on reality, but everything felt like it was unreachable, that it wasn't worth it, and that there was nothing I could do anymore. I told her I felt like there was a reason I wasn't in class, like there was something else going on. Now, those of you who know me well know that I like to make excuses. There was a point in my academic career at the U that I tried this stunt before. "I'm depressed and my grades aren't where I want them and I missed the Withdrawal date what are my options?" Thing. It didn't work. I gave up on that whole notion because of the persuasion of some close friends and some family that I just didn't want to deal with the consequences of my laziness and wanted a quick and easy way out. Well, was this what was going on now? I don't know. I don't want to look back on this and go, "Oh, well, LDSBC was just the same as the U. This whole depression thing has been going on a long time and I should've just dealt with it sooner..." The moment of awakening has arrived. (Both figuratively, and literally...) Back to Sister Bell. She agreed that something else was going on and that she believed it was depression as well. She told me immediately that I needed to see my Bishop (who may be able to refer me to LDS Social Services who can help me with the whole depression thing) and a medical doctor, who can write me a letter saying that it is in my best interest to withdraw from school because it would be more detrimental to me to stay there. Here's the problem. What about the work I DID do this semester? It all goes to pot. But, here's what Sister Bell told me to do: Go to class, go to the doctor, and she gave me a list of things which were important:

#1: Elizabeth
#2: School
#3: Money
#4: Work
#5: Moving
#6: Everything else...

You get the idea? The first thing I need to do is get healthy. I need to figure out what the HECK is going on with my brain, and I need help. I need the kind of help that you can't give me because you're not a doctor. I need you to believe me. I can't tell you how many well-intentioned friends urged, "Happiness really is a choice" or "You can pull through this, things can always get worse..." But, I am here to fill you in. Happiness is not always a choice. Sometimes there's something wrong with your brain and you choose to be happy, and it lasts a little while, but then the overwhelming sense of doom, of failure, of disappointment, of worthlessness, and just plain darkess consumes you. It always comes back. It never stays away. No matter how hard I pray, nor how many scriptures I read, nor how many friends I have who care about me, it flat out is not enough. This has been going on a very long time. I think something like years at this point. There are times that are good, but the majority of my days at this point are spent suffering in silence. I'm not silent anymore.

I had someone ask me what it was that I wanted most. I told him that all I really wanted was to be happy. Literally, that's what life's all about. I know that I care about others, I know that I try, and try, and try, but don't get anywhere. I can do this, but I need help first. I have felt very strongly that I need to study my Heavenly Father's plan of Happiness. For some reason that is going to be important somehow. I don't know a lot about it, but I'm learning more and more. Hopefully, eventually, I'll get to a point where I've had help, and I can start succeeding.

I don't know what's going to happen with this semester. I don't know what the doctor's going to say tomorrow when I go in. I don't know what my Bishop will say tomorrow night. I guess tomorow (er...today) is pivotal. And trust me when I say I am NOT in the mood for any April Fool's Jokes. Spare me, please.

More tomorrow when I figure my life out. We'll see!

Ugh.

Lovely. I went to the gym today, as usual. I left, also as usual, feeling much better than I did when I got there. I guess when I go there, I feel like I'm in control of my weight. I am doing something about it. I am making progress. Then, I get home, I weigh myself, and nothing has changed. I ate all good foods today: Salad, a granola bar, water, carrots, and an apple. Please tell me where the part is in there that made me gain weight? I'm at 266 today. I guess yesterday I was at 270 so actually that's losing. The problem is that last week, I was down to 261. That number looks good....I'm supposed to be at 260 by the middle of April to be right on track so i can lose the weight before the papers. But, I'm at 266....UGH! Yes, I realize that's ONLY 5 pounds. Yes, I realize I'm right on track. I DON'T CARE!!!! I want to be 235. I want it to be the end part, where I realize how much progress I've made and I need a new wardrobe because nothing I own remotely fits anymore and is way too huge. But, it's only March. Not August. Lame. Will I really be able to get there? I think so. But, not by myself....I need God to help me. It's the times that I think I can just do it on my own that I don't succeed. When will I ever learn that I just need to let go and have some faith? Maybe that time is now? Again. Well...I guess better late than never, right? Whatever...eventually I get there and I'm skinny. Ok, ok...I know I'm supposed to be getting "healthy" not "skinny." At this point, I don't really give a crap about healthy, I want to look good and I want to be a missionary. I guess, technically, those two can't go hand in hand....if I get too pretty, then I might get married, and that would squash all hopes of a mission. On the other hand, if I don't lose the weight, I can't even consider the mission. I don't want to have to wait for it. I don't want to submit my papers and have them rejected. That would REALLY suck. Anyway, I need to call my mother. I was supposed to on Sunday, and now it's Wednesday...er technically Thursday. Later.

what the heck, I have more to say

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW...I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. That's actually a lie. I HATE what I see. OMG...If you could see me naked, I'm pretty sure you'd be grossed out. Even I am, and I'm inside of here...There's lots and lots of flab. There's also lots and lots of stretch marks. My feet, my hands, and my face are the only places on my body without them. I had a friend suggest I consider stretch mark reducing creams for pregnant ladies. Great, normal people only get these when they're prego. I have them because I'm fat. That sucks.

I am 270 pounds. Most people get disgusted with themselves when they're 170 pounds. That's a hundred less than me. I would pay lots and lots of money (assuming I had it) to be at 170. Well, that's a long way from now. Even the now 35 pounds I need to lose by August seems like a long way from now. I want to believe I can do it, but that really big bowl of Cheerios I just ate probably isn't helping.

I HATE THIS!!!!!!

UGH! I feel like it's out of control. Why can't I just be on the Biggest Loser or something. I have a trainer, but she doesn't get into my face and yell at me. Sometimes I wish she would. I wish that I had like 4 months where I could just do nothing but lose weight. Then, I'm positive it would happen. I could spend my days hiking, and biking, and swimming, and climbing, and a plethora of other outdoor activites. But, since I'm working, and in school, and trying to lose weight, and preparing for a mission, I don't really see how that would be possible. I should still apply.

We'll see. I'm probably not cool enough to actually get on the show.

Ok...yesterday I loved my life, today, not so much.

GRRRR.....

So I went to the gym today, as usual, after I got off work. Then, I came home and I weighed myself, also as usual. (I know it's bad but I weigh myself like twice a day) Don't bother telling me it's not going to help, because I already know that. But, I do it anyway. GREAT NEWS!!!!!.....(*cue the sarcasm*) I'm back up to 270. That's AWESOME!!! You know what that means? I am not going to want to eat diddly-squat tomorrow. That will last about half of the day, and then I'm going to be starving, so I'll stuff my face with crap that's really bad for me, and then feel like poop about it later, and then try to work out even harder at the gym to compensate, but it really won't do anything for me, so I'll just get frustrated again, and because I'm frustrated, I'll eat. Why did I get this struggle in life? Why couldn't I be a skinny girl, but have really bad acne or something. Why do I, of all people, have to be the FAT girl with blubber that makes me look like a whale? EW. The worst part of all of this is that I try, and I try, and I try, and I do really well at first (think 261 kind of good) and then I just get tired of it and I gain weight again. At least I'm consistent with the gym. There are worse things, I think.........at least I hope so. I can't really think of anything off the top of my head, but I'm sure there's worse things.

If this whole mission thing really is important to me, then you'd think that would be motivation enough to eat raw celery until I die. At least then I won't have choices of what to eat. Who knows? I've heard that people with more routine and less choices in their diet lose more weight. I just need to find like 3 foods that I really, really like, and then just eat those every day. But, I probably shouldn't choose carrots or I might turn orange. Not "I've just been to the tanning bed" orange, more like "I only eat carrots so I don't get fatter" kind of orange. I don't know which is worse. Hmmm...if I only eat celery, will I turn green? I dunno. Things to ponder....

Why can't one thing in my life just be easy. School's hard, work's hard, losing weight is hard, going on a mission's hard, keeping my apartment clean is hard, keeping my head on straight is hard, singing people in love is hard, etc. etc. That leads me to my next rant: Why am I not attractive to the opposite gender whatsoever? Or at least, Why don't they ask me out? Is there something missing? Or am I really that ugly? I don't think I'm ugly.....maybe I'm mistaken. I guess that it doesn't matter if I'm pretty if I'm not skinny and pretty. You have to be both, I suppose. I'd like to believe that there really are guys out there who see who I really am, and that I really do have a lot to offer. However, I have yet to meet one. Guys are more than happy to be my friend, but soon enough they turn to me with their girl problems, like I'm supposed to sit there and listen while they go on about how dumb this girl acted, or how she didn't really care about their date, or whatever. Like, "Oh, it's just Liz. I can talk to her about anything because she'll never be more to me than just my friend..." OY! I just get frustrated sometimes....

Well, I guess once I lose weight, I won't be fat anymore, and then maybe I can possibly go on some dates, or be pretty enough, or whatever. Meh. I'm done ranting for today.

So much for 285!!! (In a good way!)

Ok, it's official...I love my life. Things are wonderful. They really are. Granted, some days they really suck, but other times they're grand and you can look at the things that you do accomplish, and you realize that while things still suck, they don't suck quite as bad as they used to.

So, I realized today that I haven't updated this blog in far too long, and there may actually be people out there who could benefit from the ramblings of a semi-sane human being who sometimes wishes she were a beautiful giselle. But, on the other hand, giselles frequently find to need to outrun a cheetah. No matter how fast the giselle runs, she may not ever be faster than the cheetah. So, rather than compare herself to the cheetah (something she will never be) she is going to decide to bask in the glory that is her. She needs to focus on the beautiful things that she is, rather than what she was created to be. If God wanted to make me a cheetah, he would have.

This leads me to my next point: focusing on the little things, rather than how far I have left to go. Rather than the 285 that I was, I am now at 265. Granted, I'd rather be at 135, but that's ok. Actually that's a lie....I'd be ecstatic at 235. So, losing more than a hundred more pounds before December? Probably not happening. Why am I not horribly depressed about this? Because I am making progress. Slow, and steady progress, but progress none the less. HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!! That means I've already lost 20 pounds. That's such a big deal! Yay for me!

So, at this point in my life, I am doing this because I want this! I am not doing this so I can have a wonderful golden birthday (the birthday where your birth-day of the month matches the year you are turning...so in my case that's my 21st birthday because I was born on the 21st of December.) I am doing this because I want a healthy body. I want to be a major hottie. I do. But I think that's because I never have been. It's one thing to be something, have it go away, and make it a goal to get it back. Because I never have been a major hottie, this is a totally new thing for me. I hope that afterward people I haven't seen in forever see me and wonder who I am. Then, I can start talking, or singing, or something and they'll realize I've been beautiful all along, it was just hiding.

More about the gym: I got a personal trainer! Best decision I could have made. Abbi is wonderful. At first, I loathed the gym and everything about it. Then, I forced myself to go because I felt like I should. I didn't know why, but it was still important. Then, I got a trainer (because, let's face it: I'm clueless when it comes to stuff like the gym). It's $140 a month, but totally worth it. I only went the once a week I met with the trainer at first, because I would be so tired afterward that I dreaded the rest of the week. And, the first 3 times I went, I almost passed out. That was scary. I knew that there was something wrong with that, but I couldn't pinpoint it. It turns out that you can't go to the gym and work out on an empty stomach. It freaks out your body. Plus, you get a massive headache so big you want to just sleep for a week afterward. But, after the first month or so, I started going more frequently. At first, it was just twice a week, which was still better than once. And, I started eating breakfast beforehand. Then, I moved it to after work. My body began wanting the gym. I could feel this urge to go amongst the other sweaty bodies and run around a little bit. Also at first, I started with the elliptical machine. (It's great: low impact, and if your legs get tired, you can drag yourself to keep going by using your arms to help) Then, I added the treadmill and the bike. Last week, for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE I went to the gym 6 times. M-Th from 9pm-10:30pm. Then Friday, I met with Abbi in the morning from 7:30-8am. So, things are good!

My biggest struggle is the food thing. I use food for WAY MORE than just the fuel my body needs. I use it for love, for comfort, for boredom, or just because. It's lame. I need help with that, but I don't know how it's going to work out.....I just need to try harder. I need to be down to 135 by August. There's no ifs ands of buts about it at this point!!

The reason this whole weight loss thing is so important to me at THIS POINT is because of my mission. I want to serve a full-time prostelyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. There is not ONE THING in my life that makes me happier than knowing I have a Savior who paved the way back to my Father in Heaven. I want to return and live with Him forever. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that this Gospel is real. Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, live and love me. Sometimes I do things that are really dumb. But, that's ok. They still love me. They still answer my sometimes feeble attempts at prayer. I am happy when I'm living my life in a way that God would want me to. When I include Him in my plans, they always work out in ways I didn't even realize were possible. Or, they work out, but not how I thought they would. I LOVE THIS GOSPEL more than anything else. So, I want to share this love, this joy, and pure unaltered happiness with everyone I know. Not everybody wants to hear it, and I understand that, but everybody needs the opportunity. There are experiences I've had in my life that are uniquely mine, and once again I have the privilege of fighting for something that's important to me. When it came to becoming a baptised member of my church, I had several family members who were against it, one of which was my dad. My mom was supportive, and believed it herself, but because my parents had joint custody of me after their divorce, both parents' permission was needed. I wanted it. I wanted to be a member because I felt the fire that surrounded the things I learned in my classes. I felt the Holy Ghost enter my heart, and I wanted it to stay there. But, that was a privilege I had to wait for. So, I waited 10 years until I turned 18 and could decide for myself that's what I wanted. I did it. I turned 18 December 21, 2006 and was baptised that very day. It changed my life forever. I have the right to the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. It helps and guides me to make good, and sometimes better choices than I would have on my own. Now, I have the opportunity to share this with others. But, in order to do that, I need to have a BMI of 37 or below. Which, because of my height (5'7") I can weigh no more than 235 pounds, or I'm ineligible to serve. I'm just glad I know this now, a few months before I start the papers, rather than submitting them for evaluation and getting rejected. This requirements are there for a reason. The Church wants missionaries who will be successful. They want us to be healthy. That's why we have the Word of Wisdom and the knowledge God has given us about our bodies. They're sacred and important. I need to take better care of mine.

Ok, I'm getting tired now....time for bed. More later!