The awesomeness that is Youtube...

So there I was, looking at Youtube. How I got there in the first place is beyond me because I don't EVER do that. There on Youtube, somehow I ended up at a video of this woman who lost 112 pounds and documented it over a series of months. In the end, she looked GORGEOUS! I was sitting here thinking about how that's possible. Upon further investigation, I realized that she has weight loss surgery. This is not an option I would choose for myself. I am still fully functioning...minus running for more than 2 minutes at a time, but I'm getting there. I want to believe that I'm not to a point where that's the only thing I can do. I don't want to permanently alter any part of my body, including my stomach. I've heard stories where things don't work out the way they're supposed to, and people can die from it. People can die from complications arising from being obese ( a word I DETEST, by the way) but I still think there's other options and other reasons behind my fatness. (For some odd reason I have no problem with the word "fat" but "obese" is a swear word to me.) So, then , upon further, further invesitgation, I found videos of pictures of people who lost weight WITHOUT weight loss surgery. I also found some videos about the 400 pound 7 year old, which was the most devastating thing I have every seen in my life. She eventually lost like 280 pounds or something...now she's 10. That's beside the point...How did she do it? Well, she had a medical intervention and they put her in the hospital. Then the pediatric obesity clinic fixed it all. They put her on a strict diet, where she can only eat certain foods, etc. etc. Why can't I do that. Like I said, the Biggest Loser, or something. I have a trainer, but that's not really cutting it at this point. Abbi, my amazing trainer, had to quit. Gold's wasn't very nice to her aparantly. Well...at this point there's so much going on, that it's going to be another long post, sorry.

At this point in my life, I have come to the realization that there is a very real PHYSICAL ailment that I suffer from. It's called depression. It is a chemical imbalance in by brain that keeps me from things I really care about, and causes all kinds of weird things to happen (think being able to sleep for 12 hours without it even phasing me...) Things that should be important, like school, become impossible. Think of it this way: There's a reason I haven't been in class, and why I haven't been able to be successful in school, despite the fact that it's VERY important to me to become a music therapist. I know that things in life that are really worth it are worth fighting for. This is different. I can't be constantly fighting MYSELF because I'll never get anywhere.

I believe that a very LARGE majority of my weight loss issues are DIRECTLY linked to depression. I feel like crap about 68% of the time in my life. Because I feel like poo, I turn to something that can fill the void: food. It's always there, any hour of the day, every day, constantly. That's how I deal with it. Once I have the depression under control, I think that the weight loss will come as part of it.

Here's how this came about as a reality: I broke down in my academic advisor's office. Sister Bell is amazing. I told her everything that's going on: the mission, the money, school, life, church. Literally, I told her everything. I told her I felt like I was failing everything. (This isn't quite true, but it kind of feels like it.) I was sobbing, trying to get a grip on reality, but everything felt like it was unreachable, that it wasn't worth it, and that there was nothing I could do anymore. I told her I felt like there was a reason I wasn't in class, like there was something else going on. Now, those of you who know me well know that I like to make excuses. There was a point in my academic career at the U that I tried this stunt before. "I'm depressed and my grades aren't where I want them and I missed the Withdrawal date what are my options?" Thing. It didn't work. I gave up on that whole notion because of the persuasion of some close friends and some family that I just didn't want to deal with the consequences of my laziness and wanted a quick and easy way out. Well, was this what was going on now? I don't know. I don't want to look back on this and go, "Oh, well, LDSBC was just the same as the U. This whole depression thing has been going on a long time and I should've just dealt with it sooner..." The moment of awakening has arrived. (Both figuratively, and literally...) Back to Sister Bell. She agreed that something else was going on and that she believed it was depression as well. She told me immediately that I needed to see my Bishop (who may be able to refer me to LDS Social Services who can help me with the whole depression thing) and a medical doctor, who can write me a letter saying that it is in my best interest to withdraw from school because it would be more detrimental to me to stay there. Here's the problem. What about the work I DID do this semester? It all goes to pot. But, here's what Sister Bell told me to do: Go to class, go to the doctor, and she gave me a list of things which were important:

#1: Elizabeth
#2: School
#3: Money
#4: Work
#5: Moving
#6: Everything else...

You get the idea? The first thing I need to do is get healthy. I need to figure out what the HECK is going on with my brain, and I need help. I need the kind of help that you can't give me because you're not a doctor. I need you to believe me. I can't tell you how many well-intentioned friends urged, "Happiness really is a choice" or "You can pull through this, things can always get worse..." But, I am here to fill you in. Happiness is not always a choice. Sometimes there's something wrong with your brain and you choose to be happy, and it lasts a little while, but then the overwhelming sense of doom, of failure, of disappointment, of worthlessness, and just plain darkess consumes you. It always comes back. It never stays away. No matter how hard I pray, nor how many scriptures I read, nor how many friends I have who care about me, it flat out is not enough. This has been going on a very long time. I think something like years at this point. There are times that are good, but the majority of my days at this point are spent suffering in silence. I'm not silent anymore.

I had someone ask me what it was that I wanted most. I told him that all I really wanted was to be happy. Literally, that's what life's all about. I know that I care about others, I know that I try, and try, and try, but don't get anywhere. I can do this, but I need help first. I have felt very strongly that I need to study my Heavenly Father's plan of Happiness. For some reason that is going to be important somehow. I don't know a lot about it, but I'm learning more and more. Hopefully, eventually, I'll get to a point where I've had help, and I can start succeeding.

I don't know what's going to happen with this semester. I don't know what the doctor's going to say tomorrow when I go in. I don't know what my Bishop will say tomorrow night. I guess tomorow (er...today) is pivotal. And trust me when I say I am NOT in the mood for any April Fool's Jokes. Spare me, please.

More tomorrow when I figure my life out. We'll see!