Ugh.

Lovely. I went to the gym today, as usual. I left, also as usual, feeling much better than I did when I got there. I guess when I go there, I feel like I'm in control of my weight. I am doing something about it. I am making progress. Then, I get home, I weigh myself, and nothing has changed. I ate all good foods today: Salad, a granola bar, water, carrots, and an apple. Please tell me where the part is in there that made me gain weight? I'm at 266 today. I guess yesterday I was at 270 so actually that's losing. The problem is that last week, I was down to 261. That number looks good....I'm supposed to be at 260 by the middle of April to be right on track so i can lose the weight before the papers. But, I'm at 266....UGH! Yes, I realize that's ONLY 5 pounds. Yes, I realize I'm right on track. I DON'T CARE!!!! I want to be 235. I want it to be the end part, where I realize how much progress I've made and I need a new wardrobe because nothing I own remotely fits anymore and is way too huge. But, it's only March. Not August. Lame. Will I really be able to get there? I think so. But, not by myself....I need God to help me. It's the times that I think I can just do it on my own that I don't succeed. When will I ever learn that I just need to let go and have some faith? Maybe that time is now? Again. Well...I guess better late than never, right? Whatever...eventually I get there and I'm skinny. Ok, ok...I know I'm supposed to be getting "healthy" not "skinny." At this point, I don't really give a crap about healthy, I want to look good and I want to be a missionary. I guess, technically, those two can't go hand in hand....if I get too pretty, then I might get married, and that would squash all hopes of a mission. On the other hand, if I don't lose the weight, I can't even consider the mission. I don't want to have to wait for it. I don't want to submit my papers and have them rejected. That would REALLY suck. Anyway, I need to call my mother. I was supposed to on Sunday, and now it's Wednesday...er technically Thursday. Later.